Eric Nette Rescued after Abduction by Gigantic Penguin
By: AXP Chuckles, 2007-01-31
Iota Chi Phi chapter brother Eric Nette was reported missing last Wednesday but has been successfully located by Glassboro's finest after three days of searching. His last known location before the abduction was Rowan University's Student Center Ballroom, where Eric had been assisting SUP in their Wednesday night movie, a showing of "Happy Feet".
Fellow SUP member and cinema chair Charles Ackerman had the following to say: "During our intermission, a giant penguin showed up and started entertaining the students. Everyone thought I booked it but I had no idea where the hell the thing came from. I figured everyone was enjoying it so I'd just let it go. I should have known something was up when I saw him break up some white pills and slip them into Nette's coke, but I figured he could handle himself."
Unfortunately, Eric Nette was not so lucky. A quick check of local sex offenders show the man in a giant penguin costume as a repeat offender. Upon learning of this tragic turn of events, the brothers began a massive manhunt, searching all corners of Glassboro sporting very stylish "Save Nette" t-shirts, care of ACE Screen Printing, 24 High Street, home of the finest clothing in Glassboro.
When asked for an interview, some brothers expressed true heart-felt concern over the disappearance of Eric Nette. "I hope the kid gets back soon. I don't know how the hell I'm gonna pass my classes," expressed Lou Guido. Others did not seem as distraught, Nelson Cook Jones IV (potential suspect), was only witnessed rummaging through nette's possessions and shouting "I shotgun his TV!"
Nette was eventually found passed out in the dumpster behind Mi Familia. When questioned, the owner of the local establishment said, "I saw the big friggin penguin carrying the kid over his shoulder, so I figured I'd off the son of a bitch and throw the meat in my freezer. The penguin thing didn't taste too good, so I just threw the nerd into the dumpster and hoped nobody would find out about the whole thing. Endangered species and crap, ya know?"
In any case, the brotherhood is happy to have back its missing piece.